Sibling Rivalry…The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

Sibling Rivalry…Where there’s a sibling, the potential for conflict, rivalry, envy is always there…Wherever there is the strongest love, is also the potential for the strongest hate…As the song goes…it’s a thin line…

Refereeing sibling rivalry in family life – a challenge like no other!

It’s a struggle, for parents to referee, and be surrounded by children we love so much squabbling, bickering, hitting, name-calling, whining…Alongside of that is that sense of parent perfectionism and guilt. What have I / we done to deserve this? Is it our fault? When is it too much? Is it going too far? Is it just sibling rivalry, when is something darker present? When does sibling rivalry tip into sibling abuse? How can I make this stop?

Alternatively, sometimes parents become so worn down with the pattern over time, or they are so hard-pressed by other understandable pressures, that they accept it as a way of life, and can become ineffective, or even permissive. Refereeing sibling warfare is about as tricky and high-pressured as officiating in the Premier League, and rarely is there a linesman or video ref on the spot to make an accurate call.

Similarly your judgment can be disputed with vehemence and contempt turning on you instead! It’s no easy job! It’s so unfair! You’re so unfair! Can be all too familiar refrains from the child ending up on the wrong side of parental law…

It can’t all be sweetness and light…

I’m not saying that all must be harmony. A pinch of aggression and conflict every now and then certainly adds some spice – and doubtless helps young people hone their relational skills and feel their feelings in the safety of their family with an intensity that the world ‘out there’ cannot afford.

Nonetheless, as parents we cannot shirk our responsibility for the health and safety of our homes and homelife. It is our observation, our values, our leadership, that are needed to set the tone and raise the tone, when needed. It’s about impact, accountability, and the ability to navigate conflict in more skilful ways. To act on needs and boundaries authentically, effectively, in ways that are clear, safe, and pro-social. It’s also about developing the skills to make repair in long-term relationships.

You can’t change what you can’t see, and it’s hard to see sibling rivalry clearly or cleanly…

Our notions of sibling behaviours – what’s good, what’s bad, what’s ugly – are not very clearly defined. Growing pains, experiences of developmental challenges in that hard, long journey of ‘becoming’ are different for every child. And every combination of siblings is just as unique, with the timings they hit milestones, or hit the buffers in some way of other, being entirely unique to them.

Added to which, we have the template of our own family experience to contend with. We can look back both consciously and unconsciously at what triggered us then, and how it comes up for us now. We may identify very strongly with one child or other, depending on how a fast-moving situation that we are dealing with on the hoof brings up our own childhood wounds.

We find our parental ‘back-up’ behaviours coming out of the bag…where we find our selves speaking and doing the very things we hated our parents doing and swore we would not do. Being able to pause, reflect, untangle, and process this in a non-judgmental space, including within our own minds (where unfortunately we experience the harshest judgment) can be hugely helpful.

From time to time, quite naturally in the tween and teen process, dysfunctional conflict loops of criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling (The Gottman Institute – see resources link), can become a regular feature of family life – between adolescent and parent, or adolescent and siblings – or both! As tension, anxiety, or sometimes controlling behaviours emerge in one child, and the parent spotlight goes to where the need is greatest, comparisons can emerge. Why can’t you just be like your sister / brother?

Incremental impacts, and taking action when things get too much

As an educator, and working closely with families over many, many years, I have seen patterns emerge around a challenging and serious situation with one sibling – like physical or mental illness – result in other children feeling marginalised but unable to speak to those needs because they feel that to do so would be a guilty or shameful thing. This can mean they act out on their suppressed feelings and needs. It’s an awful burden to feel resentful of a brother or sister who are suffering .

Sometimes what is ‘normal’ in family life, gets lost in heightened patterns of anxious activation – cycles of worry, cycles of conflict. It can be a gradual process of habituation, like the frog-in-hot-water syndrome. If you put a frog straight into hot water, it will leap out. If you put the frog in water and gradually heat it up, then the frog tolerates a lot more discomfort without realising it. This is what happens in family life reasonably often – and sibling dynamics can be a fairly big part of it. When one or more people come to a realisation that something needs to change, that can take many forms.

A child may realise that they don’t actually feel safe any more. Or that the wear and tear caused by the conflict is damaging for them – maybe preventing them sleeping, or working. Something may come up for them in their school experience. A conversation with a peer, an accountability situation emerging with a teacher, a book they are reading or a class activity that might give them the spur to take stock and talk to someone.

Sometimes one or both parents feel something has to give. Sometimes a parent will experience a clinching moment – where they realise they have lashed out and said or done something harmful and something needs to change. At other times, the alliance between parents under pressure is weakened by kids playing one parent off against the other…These can be and are common catalysts for action.

If they can, in an ideal world, parents and carers take stock and come together and set a plan in motion. Alternatively, they get help from the school via pastoral leads, or accessing advice from the school counsellor. Sense checking with non-judgmental friends and trusted advisers can be a very vulnerable thing to do, but it can be hugely helpful – especially if you can get that sense of not being alone.

There are, of course, lots of books and blogs from Dr Spock onwards…Scrolling, reading, podcast listening and informing yourself can be so very helpful – but it is vital that it doesn’t delay action when your spider senses are jangling and telling you things are amiss. I liked hearing Michelle Borba talk through her ‘Rule of Too’ when talking about mental health and resilience in young people – when should you take action and get help? What’s the threshold for intervention?

When things are too different
When things are too intense
For too long.

Michele Borba – Author of Thrivers (2021), The Big Book of Parenting Solutions (2022), Unselfie: Why Empathetic kids Succeed in our All-About-Me World (2016)

Or parents can come to a professional – a therapist or counsellor, or seek out family therapy and get the whole family involved in some mediation. Consultations with people working in the field of relationships in family life, people like me – a life-coaches or parenting coaches – can help take stock and develop a strategic approach to making change in what can feel like a ‘whackamole’ situation. Not only in terms of the events coming up – but also the emotions that are coming up for you when they do…And these are what actually drive us when in the moment. Direct contact with a professional adviser can give you perspective, enable you to feel heard without being judged, and able to navigate an informed path that will feel right for you, that will work for you and your family.

Emma Gleadhill, Educational Speaker, Trainer & Coach.

Emma has a long-standing reputation for delivering transformative learning in psychological wellbeing, emotional intelligence, and healthy relationships. She works with over 50 schools throughout the UK and numerous national and international organisations as a speaker, trainer and parenting expert.

Other key themes:

Dialling up presence in relationships: listening and questioning skills.
Child / adolescent development.

In an uncertain and rapidly changing world, Emma brings clarity, insight, and humour as a speaker and trainer. As a coach, her sessions are thought-provoking, and designed to inspire further conversation and action.

Newsletter: Parenting with purpose. http://www.emmagleadhill.com/

This article is a series of excerpts from Emma’s more fuller review of sibling rivalry, which you can read here.