Prioritise Your Relationship And Help It To Thrive
One of the common themes that comes up in relationship coaching sessions, whether I am talking to an individual or couple is that they feel that they are either not prioritised in their relationship or are not prioritising their relationship.
There is a lack of communication, time and real connection.
When the feeling has been there for a while (as it will naturally drift in and out due that thing called life), it is time to ensure that it is given the space it needs and deserves.
It is very easy for it to get off track and can slide down the list of importance if you allow it to. When one or both perceives that the other is not trying or doesn’t seem to care any longer, your relationship will deteriorate.
You will take each other for granted, resentments can build and it can impact on self-worth and self-esteem.
As a relationship coach, I am bound to say this, but Your Relationship Needs to be a Top Priority! Over the kids, over work and every other relationship you have in your life.
Why? Well, if you don’t have a solid base then there are so many other areas that will suffer.
Your relationships are the biggest contributor to your overall wellbeing and happiness, so make the one you spend the most time in the best it can be.
So, how do you make this happen? Firstly, it needs to be a joint want and work together to make it better. It isn’t about giving up on what you want and need in other areas of your life either, it isn’t about spending every waking hour with them, it is about making the room for each other so that your relationship can thrive.
1. Spend quality time together
Be intentional and make a little bit if time as often as possible for each other, even if it is just a few minutes before lights out.
Check in with each other regularly and have real conversations, not just about what your plans are and what needs to get done.
Arrange date nights and recreate the early days when you fell in love. Go away for weekends or the odd night, share a hobby and do something new together.
2. Show Affection
Something as simple as making sure you hold hands when out or sitting on the sofa watching tv. Give them surprise hugs and kisses, do something nice and unexpected, say I love you every day and do it in front of the kids to show them a healthy example of what a relationship can be and needs to be.
I know it can be difficult at times, but show that you cherish each other, even when you don’t feel like it! Compliment one another and tell them how glad you are to be in this relationship with them.
Don’t forget that a bit of flirting here and there wouldn’t go amiss either. Give them an inappropriate wink, text them flirty messages or even just a hello to show you are thinking of them.
Notice them. Be curious about them too.
3. Know Their Love Language
What is a love language I hear you ask?
We all have our own way of feeling that we are cared about and in general there are five ways in which this can be expressed and received:
Acts of service
Words of affirmation
Physical touch/closeness
Time
Gifts
We all have a mix of them all, but one will be our preferred way. We have a tendency to show love as we like to receive it, but if the other person has a different love language, they may never really feel that you care. Find out what each other’s is and use it to show them that you care.
4. Ramp Up the Communication
And I don’t just mean talking to each other more. It is how you talk to each other that will help bring you closer together.
Put on your listening ears, acknowledge what you have herd them say and only offer your opinion or a solution if it is asked for.
Talk to each other intimately to create a bond.
Be polite, courteous, say please and thank you, show appreciation. Be sensitive to them and respectful. Respect can be easily lost and difficult to regain.
Don’t jump to your defence when something is brought to your attention and then don’t counter attack with your own gripes or complaints.
Say ‘yes and’ rather than ‘yes but’. It adds to what they say rather than dismisses it. Be on their side in things, remember that they need your support.
Assume that they are approaching you with positive intent, rather than they are just having a dig or complaining.
Talk about talking. Some people find it hard to openly express themselves, so create a safe space for them to do so.
Aim to resolve things before you move on.
5. Look to the Future
All this day-to-day stuff can stop you discussing your dreams and plans for the future. When you first met, it is likely something that brought you together, a shared vision for where you were heading.
Discuss plans and ask their opinion on things before you do them. Solve things together when required.
Remember the meaning of partnership? It is about working together, a cooperative effort. If you are not working with them, you are likely working against them.
Be on the same page as much as you can so that you can grow together.
6. Put Your Ego to One Side
It is very ok to think about yourself and put your wants and needs first at times. But sometimes you can forget about the other person and lose sight of when they need to come first.
Put them above your stuff, your friends, hobbies and other responsibilities.
We all need to feel important to the person we share our lives with.
I don’t personally like the words compromise and definitely not sacrifice. When you are putting the needs of someone else first, then do it because you want to. Because it will make them happy and hopefully that means you will be happy too.
Doing all of the above will not only make you feel closer to them and help you prioritise your relationship, but the law of reciprocity states that positive behaviour encourages positive behaviour in return, so it is a win, win situation.
John Kenny is The Relationship Guy, Coaching People to Attract and Create Healthy Loving Relationships.
Founder of Interpersonal Relationship Coaching (IRC), Author of The P.E.O.P.L.E. Programme, Speaker, Documentary Maker and host of The Relationship Guy Podcast. He has been involved in the field of personal development for over fifteen years and in that time has not only helped thousands of clients, but has also completely changed his own life. John spent his life full of self-doubt, carrying negative beliefs from his childhood that impacted in every area - his relationships, his career and even his time as an International Athlete.
It has become his passion in life to help people find the healthiest, highest quality relationships possible and understand the complexities of human behaviour when it comes to how we relate to each other. IRC is a fusion of Coaching, Counselling, Psychology and NLP and is used to unlock the things that stops people achieving, keeps them stuck and unfulfilled - to finding the love that they want and living the life that they choose.
Originally Released On 14 February 2023