Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall… The Crisis of Comparison…
This voice of the wicked queen seeking validation in being ‘the best’ in comparison to all others is a mindset that not only exists in fantasy. Like all iconic heroes and villains, there is something resonant for us as -hopefully- well-functioning adults who can so readily succumb to toxic comparison.
As we head towards what we hope will be a more sociable festive season, we’ll be bracing ourselves for sibling rivalries around the dinner table where gifts given can be markers of not only generosity, but social success. Reunions, whether of family, or school reunions can be moments where that sense of social comparison can be particularly potent. Here we are, all launched from a similar starting point – and here’s what we all managed to do with our lives…Gaaaah!
It’s a stress response that is contagious. In our drive to consolidate a sense of belonging, we can be all too sensitive to what we haven’t achieved in comparison to others. How often when we find ourselves outgunned by someone else’s status, their professional prowess, do we then pivot into compensatory narratives? The subtext of societal poker playing reads like this: ‘I see your badges of professional success, the wealth, the house, the car, the title, and I’ll raise you with my parenting prowess – see here, my high achieving children…’
How often do we ourselves succumb to trophy-hunting and external measures of self-worth? And would getting real with our own views about success help save our kids from minimizing or devaluing their own achievements or following the self-punishing drive of toxic self-comparison to be a ‘winner’? This is a serious consideration when parenting kids and teens whose self-esteem can so easily be under attack as they seek to establish themselves in the world.
Society can trap us into vulnerability and worthlessness – in some ways we have all evolved to feel not good enough. And this is on the rise especially because of the way we all immerse ourselves in the highly commercialised targeted marketing of the online world. Understanding this can be key to managing our minds and improving our wellbeing.
The notion of winning is hard wired in us. How we are doing in relation to others - and has been reinforced since the earliest days of advertising, the conditionality of our completeness- if only we get X, Y, Z. This has been amplified by our addiction to screens – our own mini ‘mirror on the wall’ of Facebook and WhatsApp shares…
The trouble is we can move into linking completion with rising higher, getting better, having more, with being lovable and truly loving ourselves. The voice of the inner critic, the voice of social comparison is increasingly dominant and inhibiting in the minds of so many of us.
We all know the ending does not go well for the evil queen in Snow White…And we need to think about when comparison has ever made us really, truly happy? When can we sense stillness, a calm, centred, grounded sense of satisfaction – with being who we are, being with who we love, having the things we have, and able to hold and cherish that?
We sometimes feed ourselves the myth that we need a hunger, a sense of want, an inner harshness to make ourselves improve and be better. We need to watch for that – as the research shows that self-acceptance and self-compassion are much more productive starting points for the resourcefulness, creativity, and courage needed for growth.
Self-comparison disconnects us from others when we play status-tennis. It also disconnects us from our more rounded selves and places our deficits in the foreground, eclipsing self-awareness around our own strengths and achievements.
When we play the comparison game with our children and their behaviour, academics, achievements, we just pass that toxicity down the line. Focus on what your 6-year-old IS reading and enjoying and build from there. War and Peace and Hamlet can wait. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint and it’s better to love the child you’ve actually got. Of the thousands and thousands of conversations you have with them and about them, help them feel they are enough.
When we’re in the grip of self-comparison, we are in danger of being more connected with what we DON’T have than what we do. This Christmas, give yourself a holiday from it – strive to be and feel enough – and pass it on…
Reflections:
What aspects of this article resonate with you?
What’s the voice like in YOUR mind chatter that compares yourself, and finds you wanting? What would change if you could see and hear it coming at 20 paces?
How well is that voice, that part of your inner dialogue serving you?
What aspects resonate with you parentally when supporting a child whose sense of self suffers collapse in comparison to others…how can you help them strengthen greater inner compassion?
With love and gratitude
Emma Gleadhill
Speaker, trainer, coach.
coachingandtraining@emmagleadhill.com
Copyright Emma Gleadhill December 2021.
Originally Released On 14 December 2021