How Comeback Coaching Can #BreakTheBias For Mothers At Work

My third baby turns 10 later this year (my eldest, Monty, will turn 16 and Artemis, 14) and I feel I’ve failed to advocate for the third in the way I have my first two. My third baby is in fact a business, The Talent Keeper Specialists.

We’re on a mission to keep everyone everywhere feel confident, connected and cared for when they take extended leave from work. Throughout the decade I’ve shied away from really banging the drum for the ‘comeback coaching’ we do with mothers returning from maternity leave. I’ve worried people will think I am self-serving: “well she would say that wouldn’t she?” I think I’ve let women down by not being more vocal.

Research on maternity coaching

I’ve read all the research papers on maternity coaching since 2006 which lay out the benefits (admittedly there’s not many, and I intend to add to the number this year with my own original research). Those studies combined with my own 1000+ coaching hours tell me coaching is a very effective tool for enabling career re-engagement and limiting the negative impact of becoming a parent on a woman’s career.

Coaching fuels careers

Coaching time is a truly safe space for mothers to explore their questions, frustrations, (limiting) beliefs, wonderings and worries about what they do for a living and how to do it whilst raising children. The conversations I have with coachees are far-ranging and each person reports slightly different benefits at the end of our time together. However, an ever-present theme is I wouldn’t have taken the next step or have gotten there so quickly if it hadn’t been for coaching. Coaching shrinks the time it takes to make things happen.

Coaching and the gender pay gap

The latest episode of my podcast COMEBACK COACH (#30 with Danielle) is a good example of how coaching was effective in clearing an irrational block that was making Danielle fearful of becoming a Partner in her firm. The benefit of that short, focussed intervention to Danielle will be a more comfortable transition to Partner. The benefit to the organisation of those 35 minutes (which cost them nothing - podcast coaching sessions are pro bono) will be a positive impact on their gender pay gap; improved stats for their annual report (one more woman in the most senior band of the business) and a better image to project to clients who’ll notice the female face among a sea of middle-aged males on the company website.

Couples coaching to fuel mothers’ careers

There’s something new I’d like to weave into our coaching programmes with people returning from maternity, adoption and shared parental leave and I wonder what you think of it: bringing spouses/partner into the room. Literally. Here’s my thinking…

The domestic backdrop of a mothers’ professional life significantly impacts how she shows up at work and her ability to achieve all that she and other stakeholders want. I love hearing managers talk glowingly about their returning team members’ potential – line manager sessions are an integral part of our comeback coaching approach – but the reality is, if a woman has a husband with a big job or a partner who doesn’t share the domestic load for another reason, it's very challenging to live up to it. I worked with one married coachee last year who was both the only breadwinner in the family and the person who did the majority of the domestic doing and thinking.

Supportive line managers

Where line managers have a warm, trusting relationship with their returning team member and both parties know much about the others’ home life, managers do sometimes ask whether their other half could be getting more involved. Several line managers at one asset management firm we work with have commented to me that they’ve done this. However, these kinds of comments and conversations are rare because many managers would see it as an over-reach. Now imagine if coaching was teed up as a thinking space for not just the returning employee but for her and her partner together, couldn’t that make a difference to mothers’ careers? What do you think? Would you find, or have found, it useful to have some facilitated discussions with your partner as you return(ed) to work?

I have done a few ad-hoc private couples coaching sessions over the years centred around how to make both careers work now that they have children.

Sharing the domestic load

In my book, Mothers Work! I encourage women to invite their partner into domestic discussions with the question “Now that we are about to become a dual earning family, how will we share the load?” This gets things off to a much better start than a woman assuming responsibility for everything and asking for ‘help’ or ‘favours’. Given the horrendously low number of men taking Shared Parental Leave, women have usually been doing levels of domestic drudge on maternity leave that would be unsustainable once she is back at work.

Fathers should have protected Shared Parental Leave

When the Government introduced Shared Parental Leave I was vocal about men needing a ‘use it or lose it’ portion set aside exclusively for them. I even berated Jo Swinson MP over coffee for failing to do this when she was in the coalition Government as Equalities Minister (I bought the coffee and berated in the gentlest of ways).

The DADB1 petition

After my firm words with Jo I set about creating a petition to Government to create a ‘DADB1’ form for expectant fathers. This was to be the equivalent of the MATB1 form women use to officially notify their employer that they are pregnant. My logic was that this would trigger conversations between men and their employers about taking Shared Parental Leave and alternative work patterns – because they are about to become a parent and surely they want to be actively involved at home which might be better facilitated if they worked less than full time?

I have worked in this space for a long time and I know that things are only going to get substantially better for mothers when fathers are taking parental leave in similar quantities to women and requesting flexibility along the same lines too.

Should mothers ever pay for coaching?

Earlier I nodded to the private coaching work I sometimes do. I feel conflicted about women paying for coaching themselves when their employer is a substantial beneficiary of the work. I’m now in the habit now of encouraging every woman who contacts me privately to ask their employer to support them. I even go so far as to drafting the e-mails.

Free coaching for you and your partner

Wanting to give women access to free coaching – in a commercially viable way for me - at a pivotal point in their career is one of the reasons I started the podcast. Season three begins in April and I’m on the lookout for a couple of people who’d like to bring their partner/spouse into a coaching conversation. If this is you or you know someone who might like a short session exploring how they will need to operate differently at home to make two careers work, I’d love to hear from you.

How to stay strong as a couple

In April the next in our ‘Comeback Conversation’ series (45 minute problem-solving Q&As for people returning to work) is “How to share the load, reduce conflict and stay strong as a couple after baby”. I’ve invited the marriage therapist Catherine O’Brien and author of the excellent new book, Happy With Baby: When Partners Become Parents, along with husband and wife business duo, Sophie and Dave Smallwood (founders of roleshare.com) to be my guests. You’re invited and I do hope you’ll join us.

Comeback Community™ employee experience

These Comeback Conversations are part of our Comeback Community™ employee experience utilised by employers such as GAM, FDM Group and Lily’s Kitchen. I decided we’d open up this element for free in 2021 and 2022.

My hopes for 2032

Thinking ahead to 2032 when my third baby turns 20 I hope three things will have happened:
Women and men will be taking equal amounts of leave when they become parents.
Our comeback coaching programmes will involve as many men as women (because of point 1)

It’ll make sense to ask my publisher to re-issue my book with the title “Parents Work! How to Get a Grip on Guilt and Make a Smooth Return to Work.

Jessica Chivers is a coaching psychologist, author of Mothers Work! How to Get a Grip on Guilt and Make a Smooth Return to Work and founder of The Talent Keeper Specialists. She’s also the host of COMEBACK COACH, the podcast for people riding the return-to-work rollercoaster.