Grief and Bereavement: How to Support a Friend or Colleague

Grief is an experience that everyone goes through at some point in their lives. It is a deeply personal journey that can vary enormously in duration. Human beings can be impacted significantly by loss in its myriad of forms, and those going though grief and bereavement will derive solace from the connection and support that can be offered by those close to them. In this article, we will explore the nature of grief, how it presents itself, and critically, how we can support a friend or colleague who may be going through the grieving process.

What is Grief?

More than a single emotion or feeling, grief is a complex, multifaceted process that is experienced in response to loss. It can be triggered by various types of loss, including the death of a loved one, a pet, job loss, or divorce.

First introduced by Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book, On Death and Dying, in which she describes the experiences of those dealing with terminal illnesses. The Kübler-Ross grief cycle outlined several stages, including: denial, depression, guilt, anger, bargaining, sadness, depression, and acceptance. The cycle subsequently became popular with those looking to describe the bereavement process that follows loss.

The most important element to remember is that not all individuals go through these stages in the same way or in the same order. There is no textbook grieving process as such, each journey is unique. However, it can be very useful to know that there are stages, even though the process is rarely linear.

Recognising Grief in Others

The first step in supporting someone through grief is recognising the signs. As a process, grief can manifest in a broad range of both psychological and physical symptoms.

Physical symptoms can be especially revealing. A grieving person may experience loss of appetite, weight changes, sleep disturbances, social withdrawal, and irritability. They may look fatigued or out of sorts, exhibit signs of being overwhelmed and unable to cope, or display cognitive symptoms such difficulty concentrating, making decisions, paying attention, or remembering.

Emotional symptoms are also significant. Grief is characterised by a rollercoaster of emotions, and these can be particularly intense during the early stages. Most notable will be sadness, irritability, anger, guilt, and anxiety. Grief can also lead to a sense of isolation or detachment from reality, which could lead to a significant reduction in social interaction.

How to Offer Support

Human beings are inherently social creatures, capable of connecting and supporting one another. While caring and supporting roles come a little easier to some than to others, providing support might be easier than you think. Here are some simple tips to help:

Create a safe space. Being present in the moment with someone, giving them an opportunity to talk, shed tears, or sit quietly, can create a safe space. Your presence alone can be supportive and help someone to feel better, even without saying anything.
Practice empathy. Empathy is the way we understand what other people are going through, it’s the cornerstone of providing effective support. Whether you're naturally empathetic or not, try to put yourself in their shoes and imagine how you'd feel in their situation.
Don’t try to fix them. Unpleasant emotions don't necessarily need solutions; they need acknowledgment. When people are allowed to feel, they can process their emotional experience. Resisting or blocking emotions can prolong the grieving process or lead to further problems in the future. There's no need to say anything if someone is experiencing painful emotions. Creating a safe space and practicing empathy are incredibly helpful. Avoid giving unsolicited advice or comparing their situation to others. In most instances, the grieving individual needs to express their feelings without feeling judged or rushed.
Practical support. If you are supporting someone who is very overwhelmed, dysregulated, and struggling to deal with everyday life, offering some practical help like cooking meals or running errands can make a big difference. Always ask permission and avoid taking over or rescuing. Start by asking what they need and what support would be most useful.

Taking Care of You

While being there for others is a valuable service to provide, it is equally important to address to your own needs and wellbeing. Giving too much of yourself can lead to compassion fatigue and burnout. You’ll be familiar with the safety procedure announced on planes, ‘in the event of a drop in cabin pressure, make sure you put on your own mask first before helping the person next to you’. Apply this principle to your life, especially when supporting someone through grief.

Pay attention to your emotions, energy levels, and overall mood. Good nutrition, quality sleep, and adequate exercise will help boost your resilience and wellbeing. Take time for yourself to recharge, and crucially, maintain clear boundaries regarding the level and amount of support you can provide.

When to Call on Professional Help

While your support is valuable, it's essential to recognise that some individuals may need some additional help. If you feel out of your depth, or your colleague or friend's grief becomes overwhelming, don’t be afraid to suggest some form of professional help. This could be a visit to their GP, contacting a charity such as Cruise, or even seeking therapy from a grief specialist. There's no shame in seeking therapy or counselling during times of intense grief.

Conclusion

Supporting a colleague or friend through grief is a profound and compassionate act. Understanding the different stages of grief, recognising the signs, creating a safe space, and offering empathy and practical assistance can make an immeasurable difference. Be mindful to check in with yourself and fill your own cup to avoid depletion and burnout.

Grief is a complex, personal, and often lengthy process. Being there for your colleague or friend through the ups and downs, without judgment or impatience, can be one of the most valuable gifts you can offer during their journey towards acceptance and healing.

Kyle Davies is a chartered occupational psychologist, therapist, coach, trainer, and author. He began his career in management consulting, providing a range of services for corporates and SMEs, including, psychometric profiling, executive coaching, organisational and management development, training and facilitation, as well as project managing research and evaluation studies for government departments. Kyle then moved into healthcare where he worked as part of a team pioneering a new treatment approach for chronic fatigue and pain syndromes, anxiety, depression, and other medically unexplained symptoms and conditions.

Kyle is an Associate Fellow of the British Psychological Society, author of the book, The Intelligent Body (WW Norton & Co), and creator of Energy-Flow Coaching™. Kyle has trained and supervised coaches and therapists in the UK and overseas, and has presented at workshops, seminars, and conferences in the UK, USA, New Zealand, The Netherlands, China, and The Philippines. As a freelance coach and facilitator, Kyle has worked with more than 50 organisations, including, BBC, Sky, PepsiCo, Amey, and Wagamama, to name a few. Kyle has been a regular contributor to ITV Wales News, and is frequently heard on radio and podcasts.

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