From Hostility to Harmony, Changing a Child’s Challenging Behaviour
I remember being shocked by a TV programme in 2016 called “My Violent Child” and thinking (despite huge problems with a controlling manipulative and oppositional son I’d adopted) thank goodness that will never be me. Fast forward a couple of years and yes, I too, had a violent child.
If you are suffering similar, you’re likely to be feeling the stigma and shame of not being in control of your child, but the truth is: You can’t control a controlling child. The reality is that many of us live with these challenges, often daily, leaving us feeling intense despair, frustration, overwhelmed, helpless, bullied, depressed, and hopeless from having a child who is violent, oppositional, controlling, manipulative or defiant.
And so, the child gets older and the behaviour often gets worse. Instead of growing out of it, they grow into it. Adult children can live with a sense of entitlement. Our world becomes much smaller and our nerves more ragged. Our relationships suffer as does our health.
What is so difficult to work out as a parent or carer of a violent, aggression or abusive child each time it happens, is:
- whether they are so heightened, they are out of control
- whether there is an underlying cause such as undiagnosed ADHD
- whether it's because they have learnt that the behaviour gets them what they want.
I started Stressed Parent in 2014 having become a stressed parent myself, despite having taught stress management to industry for over twenty years.
As a family we received a lot of therapy, but it was an intervention called Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) that turned things around. I became so convinced in the method that I trained in it professionally. Happily, we have a very harmonious family life. (well mostly!).
By desisting in engaging with my son’s negative behaviour, spot lighting all there was to love about him, getting the support of friends and family to intervene and speak to my son weekly over several months about his behaviour and changing the negative dynamic between us through NVR, the dynamic between us when I said no to things and followed through on rules, improved dramatically.
What is Non-Violent Resistance?
Non-Violent Resistance (NVR) is a simple and empowering method for families to connect with children of any age and to reduce or eradicate challenging behaviour. Lasting change can happen in just a few months for those who diligently apply the principles. It is an evidence-based intervention with research in Israel, Germany, Belgium and the UK indicating that NVR with families of violent children with a variety of diagnoses has a high level of efficacy in reducing violence, parental helplessness and increasing positive interactions*
Why does NVR work when all else may fail?
NVR helps stop a parent feeling a victim and empowers them to make some simple changes that give a strong message to their child that they are in charge. This alone can help make a child feel safe which in turn can help the negative behaviour dissipate. Children who are defiant or oppositional often won't engage in therapy. The trick to NVR is that the child does not need to engage. Instead, they quickly learn that you will no longer respond to their negative and often manipulative behaviour and through the communication model of NVR, they learn to relate and be in a relationship.
Like many parenting approaches, relationship is key- time spent ideally daily on relationship- based play/activities is vital. Equally important is getting support from friends, family and key people in the community. This can be challenging for many reasons; we feel ashamed or equally don’t want to shame our child. We don’t want to rock the boat but breaking the silence and for example: getting your son’s football coach to speak to him regularly about his hitting you is powerful beyond measure.
NVR is a Stress reduction technique rather than behaviour management. It focuses on everyone keeping their dignity so everyone in the family learns how to stay grounded and keep their composure.
As parents, the programme helps us feel assured, strong, peaceful, composed and in control, without being controlling. Self-care and self-regulation are a priority. We prioritise the behaviour we want to change rather than trying to change everything in one fell swoop.
Having a long-term view of how we would like to see our child develop into an adult, helps us accept that change is one small step at a time, as we drip feed our influence and messages of concern. We persist in that influence rather than insisting on certain behaviours. By desisting in engaging with the negative behaviour, we disrupt the learnt and patterned negative behaviour of the child. Understanding that discipline means to teach, we guide the child to a better pattern of behaviour and assist a child in learning self-discipline.
How does a child become so challenging?
There is no one answer to this of course and in truth we may never know. It could be the effect of an adverse childhood experience such as a period in hospital or a divorce, a diagnosis of ADHD or autism, the influence of their peers…….
What is almost certainly true is that as parents we are likely to have over time either:
A/ Tried to understand the behaviour, tolerated it, forgiven it, excused it. cushioned it, adapted to it, done all we can to pre-empt it and avoided friends and family who judge it. We become exhausted by trying to contain it. This leads us to often acquiescing, treading on eggshells and giving in.
Or
B/ We have fought against it, argued with them, lectured, blown our top, retaliated, sent them to Coventry, engaged with the behaviour, punished or responded with a tit for tat reaction.
Or
We have fluctuated from A to B; creating inconsistency and a giving the child a clear message that their controlling behaviour gets them what they want.
One of the first steps NVR helps with is to break this pattern.
By Gill Tree; Founder of Stressed Parent
How to put NVR into effect in your family: Non-Violent Resistance whilst simple in principle, takes resolve, commitment, patience and determination to effect change. It is best if learnt gradually over time with incremental changes and successes, leading onto the next piece. Gill specialises in mentoring parents of violent, aggressive and controlling children and has created an e-course with 8 steps of 8 videos each about 30-40 minutes. Families can follow one step a week or fortnight and can always go back and revisit the material. You can see a free trial here.
*Research
Israel (Lavi-Levavi, Shachar, & Omer, 2013; Weinblatt & Omer, 2008);
Germany (Oleffs, von Schlippe, Omer, & Kritz, 2009),
England (Newman, Fagan, & Webb, 2014),
Belgium (van Holen, Vanderfaeillie, & Omer, 2015).
For more information:
www.stressedparent.co.uk gill@stressedparent.co.uk 0203 553 1060
Originally Released On 15 March 2022