Antenatal Depression and Me
Trigger warning: Antenatal depression
Hello, my name is Donna Davies and I’m the co-founder of More Than A Tick Box, a non profit campaigning for improved maternal mental health services and also helping new mums returning to work after maternity leave.
Worldwide, as many as 1 in 5 women experience maternal mental health conditions. Statistics vary by country, but this is a worldwide concern. Such conditions include postnatal depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, bipolar, psychosis and antenatal depression. It’s a subject close to my heart and I’ll give you a little background as to the reason why.
In May 2015 I found out I was expecting my second child. It wasn’t a complete surprise, we had been trying for over a year, but I’d subconsciously thought that maybe it wasn’t meant to be. So I did the test, a positive result and everyone was over the moon. A matter of weeks later I had a massive promotion at work. It’s what I had worked towards, it was everything I wanted to achieve, and everyone was chuffed. As was I but it wasn’t all plain sailing. I had an extremely stressful few months at work building up to this, and it left me feeling drained, exhausted and pretty worthless, so it took me some time to get back into my flow. But eventually I did, and it was all systems go. I had my promotion, I loved life, and my pregnancy was going well.
Fast forward a few months and I’m sat with my midwife, absolutely sobbing my heart out and telling her I can’t cope with the pregnancy or see how I’ll get through the rest of it. After talking through how I was feeling, lot’s of tears and admitting to some pretty terrible thoughts; she told me I was suffering from Antenatal Depression.
It’s quite common although I’d never heard of it. In fact, she received a phone call from another lady who was going through the same thing as I was sat there trying to pull myself together. She went on to explain that it was familiar, that it’s normal, the chances are it would go once the baby arrived and there were things we could do to help me through the last few months.
What followed was a blur of appointments with doctors, mental health nurses, psychiatrists and an almost daily check-in with the midwife. It also left me with a heap of questions, some I’ll share with you now.
Did the medical team help?
Yes, I think so, they allowed me to talk through what I was feeling without judging me. They explained options such as medication (which I declined, but it was an option if I desperately needed it), counselling, managing stress levels, self-care. All fantastic advice.
Did I feel better?
Yes and no. I felt better knowing that I wasn’t alone in feeling this way and that I could talk to people about it. But I still had a lot of unanswered questions.
What had caused it?
I was happy so why did I suddenly find myself crying for hours each day, not able to get out of bed at the weekend, having to put a brave face on at work all day then driving home in floods of tears for no reason. I struggled to concentrate or keep my focus on anything, I didn’t want to buy baby stuff. So I couldn’t understand where it had come from and why it had hit me like a tonne of bricks. Incidentally, the midwife later explained a hormone imbalance could cause it. Other factors may have contributed such as the stress at work, issues with previous pregnancies (2 late miscarriages) and I wasn’t sleeping.
Would I still bond with my baby?
I guess nobody can tell you for sure how you’ll feel when your baby arrives. I was worried sick that I wouldn’t love my baby, be able to bond with him or cope with a newborn. These are everyday worries amongst all expectant mums; I think the depression just heightened them for me.
How would I get over the feelings of guilt I had?
In the darkest hours of my depression, I had some terrible thoughts that I know will leave me feeling guilty forever. I know it was the depression making me think like this, but it doesn’t make it any easier. I know it’s something my partner struggled with too as he couldn’t understand why I was acting this way nor did he quite grasp that it was an illness and something I couldn’t control.
There were many more questions, but I had to focus on getting better rather than going round in circles with myself. I continued to talk about how I felt with close friends; I made sure I took care of myself, I started eating correctly, I took some time off work. I’ll add that at this point I was carrying on at work like usual or at least putting a bloody good act on. I didn’t tell anyone what was going on, partly due to fear of what they would think of me and I also felt that if I didn’t make myself go to work every day, I’d sit at home wallowing.
Towards the end of the pregnancy, I felt myself pick up a little. Coincidently it was also Christmas, so maybe that had a little bit to do with it. I had something to distract me, spending time with my eldest doing all our Christmas activities and everything just seemed a little bit easier. The point is, I felt almost normal, able to cope, I wasn’t spending the weekend in bed, and I was able to have a rational conversation with my partner again without it ending in tears or a full-blown slanging match.
Happily, Joseph arrived on 19th January 2016 and the worries I had about bonding with him soon disappeared. He was a happy, content baby from day 1 and I coped fine. Don’t get me wrong, it was still hard work, but all mums will know that having a newborn is just that, hard, exhausting and all- consuming.
Did I still feel guilty?
Yes, I still do to this day. Guilty about the stress I put my unborn baby under, guilty about how I ruined the whole pregnancy experience for my partner and my eldest son ( he was so excited to be a big brother), guilty about the way I treated those closest to me. I could go on.
I still get emotional when I talk about it. I’ll always worry that if I had another baby my pregnancy be the same and I don’t think my relationship would survive it. Sometimes I find myself feeling sad that what should have been such a happy time turned into one of the darkest.
Joseph is now 4 and is one of the funniest, brightest, cheeky little boys I know. He makes me laugh every day, and I can’t imagine life without him. As a person, I’ve changed so much since he was born. I’ve left the corporate world behind; I feel stronger, more confident and most of all happier.
I’ve made it through the dark hours that turn into days, the long nights when your mind is in overdrive, and you can’t think straight and through the utter despair when you’ve no idea where to turn or who to talk to.
Just as I’ve made it through, so have thousands of other mums. My own struggle was the reason I co- founded More Than A Tick Box, a charity to raise awareness of maternal mental health and help improve the services available to those suffering. We want to make a change to ensure mums are supported.
By Donna Davies, More Than A Tick Box
More Than A Tick Box is focused on improving support for those experiencing maternal mental health concerns. Working alongside professional healthcare providers, we are passionate about changing the way women, partners, family and friends can access the support they need.
Donna is a Parent Returner Coach, supporting mums through their maternity leave and subsequent return to work, with a particular focus on managing their mental health through the transition.
Originally Released On 19 April 2022