Jill's blog: The Flip of a Coin

I like flipping a coin when I can’t make up my mind. Not because I abide by the results but because it helps me figure out what I really want. If it lands ‘heads’ and I feel disappointed, I know I really wanted ‘tails,’ and vice versa. It’s a funny little way I can trick my overactive brain into moving aside to allow my instincts to be heard.

Sometimes the mind can be muddy around what you actually want. We often complicate our wants vs needs due to expectations. Expectations we have of ourselves, and expectations we have from others. Our behaviour and attitude can shift away from what feeds our best interest and into what makes others happy or continues to proliferate their version of who we are. It can be hard to hear through all that noise, but the coin flip can give you clarity.

There are times, however, where a coin flip does not help. It’s those moments where you know what you need to do, but what you need to do is not what you want to do. This might be especially relevant in situations that will create a certain level of discomfort for you, while providing comfort to someone else.

I’m going to go out on a limb and say most mothers reading this blog will understand the struggle that is putting yourself at the top of the priority list after you have kids. Whether it’s the pressures from the outside world and expectations of society, or our own personal need to give all of ourselves to our children and family, remembering that we matter too can be a challenge. Personally, it’s one I am still working on, and one result of that work is the need to be more selfish. Yet sometimes I wonder, am I being too selfish?

I’m currently faced a decision where one answer is best for me and one answer is best for others. I want to do what is best for me. Not necessarily because I’m worried about the impact on others because the that will be minimal (though the help I might provide would be appreciated) but because I am worried about what is expected of me and how I might be judged.

I’ve spent the last few years on a quest for healing and a major part of that is not abandoning myself. But when does that need for selfcare take you from a balanced approach to selfishness vs selflessness to an unwillingness to ever put yourself in uncomfortable situations to be helpful and present for others?

Perhaps it’s just that you end up having to be more choosey of when those moments are. Maybe my selfishness is more apparent with people and situations outside of my immediate bubble of husband and children. I still frequently put them before me, compromising my physical and mental selfcare in the process. Yet with the world that exists outside the walls of my house I am knowingly selfish. Selfish with my time, with my energy, with my attention. Selfish with my feelings. And this decision that I’m facing comes with an intense degree of feelings for me – more so than for others.

A person can only stand so much discomfort and, at the moment, my threshold for it is low. Although, pushing outside your comfort zone is often what helps you grow. Another thing in life that I feel is incredibly important. I suppose, all this to say, I have no idea what to decide, or how to decide what to decide. There are some decisions in life that no amount of self-reflection, self-awareness, selfishness, selflessness or advice and guidance from others can make easier. Perhaps because there isn’t always a “right” or “wrong” decision. And here is me, looking for the right answer when there simply isn’t one. There in only what I decide and what I don’t decide. So maybe the coin flip will work…

Jill is an American ex-pat living her best English life on the border of London and Surrey. She spends her days pretending she knows what she’s doing, creating some fun things along the way. With a passion for storytelling and the gumption of a New Yorker, she’s raising two cheeky, clever boys with deep imaginations and an annoyingly cunning use of language. With a husband, cat and hamster along for the ride, life is never boring. Even if sometimes a bit too stressful.

Tags:
• Wellbeing