Devinder's blog: I hate my cousins

The worst thing any parent can do is compare their child to another.  It is harming and hurtful.  My parents used to compare my siblings and I to our first cousins when we were younger and they still do it to this day.  It does not matter how successful we are or how sensible we are, the light for my cousins always shone brighter than ours and still does.  My mum smiles a different way when she is talking to my cousins and treats us as inferior when my cousins are over.  Sometimes, my mum starts to put me down in front of my cousins or starts being more overtly critical with what I am wearing or how I am bringing up my child.  Sometimes, this provokes a not-so-good reactive response from me so it appears as though my mum is justified in her criticism of me and my behaviour. 

The main reason for this is that my cousins have more of an interest in religion and spirituality.  They are leaders in the community and have an active role in promoting their spiritual learnings.  Because of this, my parents see them as ‘better’ people than their own children.  This is regardless of any negative behaviour my cousins may have displayed over the years.  The religious person who does bad things is a much better person than a non-religious person who does bad things.

My parents openly admit this.  It shocks me.

Growing up, my siblings and I were bought up in a very controlled environment.  We weren't allowed to go out, make friends, show our bare arms and legs, remove facial hair or wear make-up.  We were told what to do and we did it.  No questions.

As the years have gone by, we are now witnessing our cousin's offspring doing things we were forbidden from doing and much more.  It makes my blood boil and brings up memories of my own imprisonment.  Their "bad behaviour" or their "freedom" to do things we were not allowed to do somehow get “cancelled out” because they are the offspring of a spiritual family.  It makes no sense to me.  If I bring this up,  I get shut down. 

It is so bad that I almost hate my cousins for it and it has tainted I way I feel about my cousins.  I don’t think they have any idea how inferior we are treated by my parents in comparison to them but I feel so hard done by.  It does not matter what I do or how successful I am, I will never be a better person than them.  It saddens me when my mum says that my cousins are better people than her own children.

I cannot change the way my parents feel.  The only thing I can do is to vow never to compare my own child to his cousins or his friends.  I know how the rejection feels and it doesn’t feel good.

Devinder works in the financial services sector, is mum to a beautiful boy and is on a constant quest to understand the world and everything in it.

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• Families