Devinder's blog: Am I Entitled to Inheritance as the Main Family Carer?

They all say that death is part of the cycle of life.  We hear about people dying all over the world, everyday, from all sorts of causes.  But when it comes to someone close to us, it is deeper and much more personal.  A close family member recently passed away and we were exposed to conversations which we had never experienced before.  This time it hit quite hard.  If we went by age, my parents would be next on the “list” and it got me thinking about if and how I would be able to deal with this awful loss and change in family dynamics. 

Growing up, we were always shielded from death, dying, funerals and any sort of conversations relating to loss and bereavement within the family.  But since this recent death, we have started having these conversations whilst maintaining caution.  It’s almost as if we don’t want to jinx anything into happening sooner than God has planned.  We started talking about wills, money, possessions and inheritance.  We started talking about the family home and other belongings which my parents own. 

Over the years, we have never spoken about who the family home would go to.  There was a common understanding that everything would pass to my brother as the only son of the family.  Culturally, from a South Asian perspective, family assets would be passed to the son or sons of the family.  The understanding was that daughters would marry into their husband’s family and would inherit via her husband.  There was also the understanding that the son traditionally looks after his parents into old age and takes care of them.  With that came the passing of the assets from the parents to the son.

Over the years, I hadn’t thought about inheritance and the attached cultural beliefs.  But as I get older, I am beginning to feel that this can be unjust.

My brother does not live with our parents and doesn’t take care of them as a South Asian son should.  He doesn’t attend their medical appointments with them.  He doesn’t renew their car insurance for them.  He doesn’t listen to them complaining about their aches and pains.  My brother prioritised his wife over our parents and moved to another country.  Of course, this is his decision. 

Having realised that my brother would not be taking on the carer role for my parents, after my divorce, I had subconsciously taken on this role myself.  I look after them as a son should.  I have put my life “on hold” to ensure they don’t feel let down by my brother and his absence.  I did not chose to be their carer for inheritance purposes as my name was never in the will and I knew this from the start.

After the recent family death, I could tell that my parents felt a heavy weight on their shoulders.  It was clear that something was bothering them.  A few weeks after the funeral, my dad asked me a question – He said “Should assets go to the son or should assets go to the person or persons who took care of you in old age?”.  It was such a direct question and I wasn’t sure how to answer it.  We spoke candidly about my brother and his priorities.  They were heartbroken by the lack of care they have received from their son and equally heartbroken that they are even considering changing their will.

It was a hard conversation.  I stayed neutral and said that it was their money, their home and ultimately their decision on where they wanted their assets to transfer to upon death.  My parents are very confused right now.   

In life, I have always said “expect nothing; if you get something, consider it a bonus”. 

Devinder works in the financial services sector, is mum to a beautiful boy and is on a constant quest to understand the world and everything in it.

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• Families