Marva's blog: New Girl

It can be a bit of a weird one, can’t it, making meaningful new friendships as an adult?  I mean, brand new friendships, with other adults with whom you genuinely have things in common and don’t mind talking to and meeting up with regularly “in real life”, and not just by a way of a cursory “like” or emoji here or there, as the mood may take you.

I find myself in the perhaps not-unusual predicament that, when I had my son in my very-early 20’s, all of my friends although kind-of pleased for me, were off living their best-lives travelling, Atkins-ing, reliving disastrous romances over late night cigarettes & alcohol and a dodgy “Now” soundtrack, plus jumping from job to job at a whim, or as their finances or current beau would allow. 

Then there was me, knee-deep in baby poop, Cow & Gate jars and post-partum weight gain, tears and frustrations.

Try as I might, I found it a struggle of epic proportions to keep up with what was going on in the lives of my glossy, carefree friends, see them regularly and even hold a semi-intellectual conversation, without tiredness taking a hold, or having to cut it short due to an unexpected throw-up or bout of loose bowels, which actually, could have come from either the baby or I, at that point.

And so, as I declined invitations to meet, they became less and less, and I could not summon up the wherewithal to have dinner or drinks at my own place, as all I wanted to do, truly, was sleep. 

I have worked continuously since my son went to nursery and then on to school, but rushing between home, and childminders meant that I also missed out on the joys (?) of meeting the other mums at the school gate.  I did wonder later, if that contributed to my son having a harder time at school, but perhaps that’s one to ponder at another time…

And now, as my confident, strapping, only child towers above me and approaches Year 10, and the rigours of GCSE coursework, I find myself realising that, although I am not yet out of the woods, my son doesn’t need me nearly as much as he used to, and those friends and family who are my age now, are married with toddlers and babies of their own, and have entirely more constraints on their time and resources, as I once did.

The tables have turned, and so, I decided that instead of becoming that needy, annoying and clingy mother sans life her own, now was the time to seize the opportunity to focus on achieving some of the long-forgotten goals that I had set myself many moons ago - and hopefully meet some like-minded people along the way.

I’ve found that it’s actually not nearly as scary as I thought it would be.  I joined a course recently and qualified in my chosen field, whilst meeting some awesome friends-for-life, who have had a similar journey.  This has put the fire in my belly to keep going, and not be afraid to choose me, because really, it’s ok, and will change my life for the better.

And even this, writing this blog entry is a massive achievement– I’ve loved writing since I was a child, and now look ma! – here I am doing it.

The point it, there is life after they no longer need you so much, and you should enjoy every moment before, after and in-between.

Marva is single parent of a 14 year old boy. She has worked in the City for 18 years and is currently a Financial Operations Team Leader for a Global Investment Manager.

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• Families