Hayley's blog: Are they naughty?

"I attended a WorkLife Central seminar a few weeks ago, ran by mother and parenting expert Sarah Ockwell-Smith. The topic was “Understanding Naughty.” My son is almost 2 and a half - if I needed any kind of advice at this point in the toddler journey, it was about being naughty (and potty training, but that’s another topic.) Not that I think my son is particularly “naughty” but, as with everything parent-related, nobody has handed me a manual to explain what is going to happen next and how to handle it. On the basis that my husband and I have to figure out the next few years by ourselves, I thought that any guidance as to what was going on inside my son’s head would be extremely helpful!

The two key takeaways from the seminar were 1) buy a book on children’s brain development and 2) book a spa day. Seriously. Obviously I messaged my husband straight away and promised that if I could have a spa day, I’d spend the whole day reading the book I was going to buy! The reasons behind this advice make complete sense when they are explained by a parenting professional and mother who has done this 4 times over. 

Children don’t have the same brains as adults. Sounds obvious but they are not “mini adults” and therefore shouldn’t be treated as such. So many times in that hour we were asked “do you know an adult that does that?” Do you know someone / do you have an off day sometimes? Lie? Not listen? Not want to share your things? Say exactly what you’re thinking with no filter? Wish you could say what you are thinking with no filter? The answer is a pretty resounding yes. So then, why is it “naughty” if your child does it? And more importantly most adults have the cognitive function to deal with all of those things, when children don’t. 

I was astounded to hear that children don’t develop abstract or hypothetical concepts (if you do this, that will happen) until they are 7 and 11 respectively. They don’t have impulse control (controlling saying your thoughts out loud) until they are in their 20s! If they don’t have those brain functions, sitting them on the naughty step and telling them to “think about what they have done” has very little impact. Learning that, and the way to resolve that - for example by sitting with them and explaining what they did wrong and how that made you feel (using words such as sad and hurt) - not only helps them to understand but also teaches them about emotions and how to express their own emotions.

Another thing I learnt, which is really relevant to my son and I at the moment, is what 'sharing' for a child really means. We always expect our children to share - it’s an essential lesson to learn, particularly if you want your child to make friends at nursery and school. But what do we mean when we ask our child to share? The example given was, if your child “shares his banana” does he get it back? No. Now when you ask him to share his toy car, can you see why he may be a little reluctant? We were asked if we were told to share our favourite handbag or new car - would we happily hand them over? I know I wouldn’t be that keen.

Once we start to understand that children’s brains work very differently to ours, those tantrums start to make a little more sense. We have those moments - when it just gets too much- as adults but we just don’t (always) throw ourselves on the floor and scream. Children have those moments too and I am told that we need to ride them out and let the child know we are there ready for a cuddle when they need us. Again, easy to comprehend now, tough to put into practice when your toddler is kicking and screaming on the pavement outside Debenhams and you have your hands full of shopping, the changing bag, the half opened packet of crisps you tried to bribe him with and the pram he won’t sit in! The point that was made in the seminar was that, as a parent, you have to have the capacity to deal with your child’s tantrums. If you are “full” (i.e. stressed from work, parenting, general life admin, tired, hungry etc etc) you then don’t handle the tantrums particularly well because you don’t have the capacity to do so.

So, look after yourself. Go to a spa - relax, sleep, eat.. Sounds easy right? I have to say I wouldn’t have taken this advice from anyone other than another parent, it’s along similar lines to telling a new parent to “sleep when the baby sleeps..” you just want to scream at the person who says it! But the principle makes sense and if it’s an excuse to take a day out, I’m all for taking the advice!"

Hayley is a Senior Associate at an international law firm based in London.  She works 4 days a work and spends Mondays with her gorgeous, crazy 2 year old.

Tags:
• Families