Dolly's blog: Royal Society For The Protection Of Au Pairs

You probably saw last summer’s attention-grabbing headlines about the dramatic drop in au pair numbers. They certainly grabbed my attention, because without an au pair we’d be toast. Several tense weeks ensued until, with pathetic gratitude, we pretty much took the first au pair who agreed to take us. Luckily she’s awesome.

The newspapers and our agency put this drought down to Brexit, and our agency issued some emergency improvements to au pair t&c’s in an attempt to lure them back. But I'm wondering whether we need to look even closer to home.

I love hearing how our au pairs’ friends are getting on and unsurprisingly it’s always a varied picture, but this year our home has turned into a veritable refuge for miserable au pairs who’ve eventually given in and returned home.

Counting my blessings that we’ve not yet had to go through the hell of finding a replacement au pair mid-year (once a year is both expensive and exhausting enough thanks), I’ve been quizzing our au pair about what’s going wrong. Brace yourselves Brits because we don’t come out well...

Food is a recurrent theme. One au pair wasn’t allowed to touch anything in the fridge (fresh stuff was reserved for the family) and had to subsist on frozen food and porridge - or buy her own food out of her allowance, which wasn’t much. When a couple of her friends eyed up the fruit bowl, she was so nervous she asked them if they'd mind sharing an apple. Another was delighted when her host mum bought her some salami as a special surprise, only to be asked for the money back. Several seem to have a “one hot meal a day is more than enough” policy.

Appliances are another bone of contention. One is only allowed to use the dishwasher once a day after dinner. Another has been instructed that, notwithstanding the dishwasher, she herself must wash everything by hand - including the kids' washing up and stuff left around by the family. Having to buy your own washing powder isn’t uncommon, in addition to constraints on when personal laundry can be done. Much could be said about central heating thermostats.

Interestingly, the problems invariably seem to be more about the parents than the kids. One au pair had to endure the children telling her that she wasn’t part of the family and nobody liked her. But what broke the camel’s back was when the family agreed she could fly home for the weekend to visit a sick relative, then changed their mind at the last minute and gave her two options: cancel her flight or pay for their chosen babysitter. The babysitter’s rate for one night's tv watching was close to the au pair’s pay for an entire week's hard graft.

Arguably the most horrifying was one au pair who was told to stay in all day, even when the kids were at school, just in case she was needed. She was another one who had to pay for her own food and washing powder. Pleasantly surprised to be allowed out to the pub one night, she returned to find the door locked from the inside and her bags left outside, in the rain. The special twist was that she was paid monthly in arrears, so she had virtually no money. In a final act of vengeance, the host mother posted on social media that no family should touch this au pair with a barge pole. At this point, Facebook nearly exploded as half the local community (and a contingent from Spain including the au pair’s mother) waded in to express a view. I'm sure there are two sides to this and many other stories, but really?! That's an 18 year old girl a long way from home.

Just to be clear I’m not for a second holding myself out as a paragon of virtue. Doubtless like most of us I feel permanently skint and am very conscious of the bills. I get grumpy, I flinch every time our au pairs take us ever further over the car’s PCP mileage limit and I still feel violent remembering the girl who used my special shampoo and was physically incapable of closing kitchen cupboards. My entire posh red lipstick collection disappeared the same time she did and I have to breathe deeply as I type this to stop my head exploding with repressed fury.

But seriously, this stuff isn't ok. People of Britain - we’re better than this! Au pairs aren’t cheap labour, they’re young people a long way from home who are supposed to be living as part of and on a par with the family. Agencies tweaking the t&c’s misses the point. Although if someone could draft a kitchen cupboard and red lipstick clause I’d be grateful.

 After 19 years of fee earning, Dolly now works in a management role in a London law firm.  Working four days a week she has three children aged 5 to 9, a wonderful (though often absent) husband and a charismatic dog who keeps her sane.

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• Families