Addy's blog: The art of communication through the years

Following on from Ellen’s blog on the “Communication Code of Conduct” a couple of weeks ago, and having had a variety of testing experiences since then, it got me thinking about communication generally and its art form.

How children learn to talk is a fascinating journey of ohs and ahs, moving into babble, then into more coherent noises to that first magical word (and Dada always seems to come before Mama no matter how hard I tried!). But what is fascinating is that babies can learn to “speak” from as early as 6 months old when learning sign language. My eldest could sign for milk, food, more, please, clean and finished way before he could say any words, and his first spoken word was “yogurt” which he never used sign for. He continued to mix sign with words right up till he was 2 years+. My youngest is brilliant at signing and probably knows 20+ words at 18 months, but doesn’t speak much yet, although her babble is incessant!

Then we move into the selective hearing phase that my 3 year old is now in. Which basically involves him hearing me, deciding to ignore me, me counting him out, or (I'm not proud) shouting at him to do something or stop doing it (strangling his sister etc). I find this phase exhausting and very trying - I know he can hear me but I really don’t know what else I can do to communicate my point or feelings. But there are also lovely moments at this age, like being told I looked nice, or that he “really loved the snow”, and other such moments that make your heart melt – but not the snow unfortunately.

Moving on to teenage years which my sister tells me is even worse than a terrible twos’ meltdowns. My lovely nephews are both in full teenage-hood, so therefore glued to their phones or Xbox at all times, and can only communicate in monosyllabic grunts, unless it’s about the fridge being empty or a discussion about homework, then there is more animation, but not necessarily good communication.

So then we grow up and start dating, where communication becomes much more about body language than actual words. The furtive glances across the room, the texting, hushed phone calls leading to drinks or dinner and maybe eventually you might even pop the question one day. Perhaps the most nervous communication of our lives that one.

Fast forward to living together for several years, children around, work stress in your head and general life chores invading the way you speak to each other over boiling kettles, crying babies, washing machines etc. This usually means my husband and I trying to talk to each other in different rooms, one of us saying “I can’t hear you”, the other shouting over the din, and therefore general frustration. We have a rule now that unless its life threating you have to walk into the room where the other person is to initiate a conversation. Hubby and I also stumbled upon a way to bring up awkward topics whilst trying to protect the others feelings. We have a code word which when used means “I'm about to say something difficult, please don’t jump down my throat for bringing it up”, and it does help avoid massive rows over daft stuff like how to stack the dishwasher correctly.

Now I'm a manager and I have a team of staff who I look after to ensure all our work is getting done, but more importantly I'm entrusted with their wellbeing and my support in enabling then to do their jobs well. This involves many skills that I have had to learn over time, but my favourite tip is the above the line/below the line iceberg scenario. The basic premise is that you can only really see what’s going on above the line (about 15%) with people’s feelings and emotions, and that you have to work to find out and understand the rest. It is really interesting when talking to someone as you have to work hard to decipher not just words, but emotions, body language and thoughts. All the more difficult if you are using the telephone or email to communicate messages, as some of these markers are automatically removed from you.

Then we move onto the older generation, my parents are becoming quite deaf. Whilst one has admitted it but refuses to wear his hearing aids, the other will not even entertain the thought that she can’t hear as well now. I find this very odd as they are both clearly missing out on conversations, but refuse to use the help that is available to restore their hearing. People will happily wear glasses so what’s the big deal with hearing aids?

All this has led me to the conclusion that communication in whatever form you take is fantastic, to my baby saying “help me” in sign today for the first time, to my friend thanking me for a kind text, to my boss saying I have done a good job. You just have to remember to bend and flex your style to those around you to make the most of it.

Addy is a Director in risk and control in Banking, based in the City. She has two young children, a very supportive husband, a fantastic nanny and two mad rescue cats.

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