Ellen's blog: The Communication Code of Conduct

I thought it might be fun to share with you something that my husband and I are working on. Adoption of the CCC (“Communications Code of Conduct”) is now mandatory in our house, but you might find that some sort of voluntary self-policing arrangement is more appropriate for your own domestic situation.

It started when I/we realised that our conversations over dinner frequently began (and therefore continued) in an acrimonious tone, due to my frustration with his choice of words, which would manifest itself in the form of me becoming very defensive, passive-aggressive or occasionally explosively verbally abusive.

Let me explain. My daily routine is the same as that of most people reading this: Commute to London, Work, Commute home, put kids to bed, sit down to have dinner with husband, etc. By the time we sit down for dinner it is generally about 8:30 or 9pm, and it’s my first opportunity of the day to relax; the first time I am not required to make decisions/answer questions/ send e-mails/make social arrangements etc. I am tired, very hungry, and usually have a headache. You know the feeling – it’s like you have nothing more to give…… and then you get asked something like “have you put the bins out?” and I go MAD!! Typically I turn the question back on him, and pepper it with expletives, then feel very remorseful (yet still angry that he didn’t just do it himself). It’s made worse when he looks really offended and says “I’m only asking – you don’t have to bite my head off”. Too late, the damage is done, and we’re both in a bad mood. He’s upset that I’ve shouted at him, and I’m furious that, despite exhausting myself all day, struggling to keep up with a demanding professional and personal schedule, racked with guilt that the former has compromises the latter, he wants to focus on my FAILURE to put out the bins. And then make me feel terrible for getting so cross when he was only asking an innocent (and very important) question. And maybe he was only asking because he was about to put the bins out himself and thought he’d check if I’d done it so as not to risk undermining the effectiveness of my bin-supervising-regime.

This scenario was playing out all too often, and something had to be done! So the CCC was developed. I’m not planning to patent it – you can all use it for free! We have agreed to implement the following basic rules:

1. Husband: Do not ask a question in a way that forces wife to admit that she has failed to do something. Be mindful that the way you ask the question can suggest that you think the task should be her responsibility. Instead, ask the question in a neutral way, and if you have some intention of contributing to the task yourself, then say so. For example, by saying this:

“I’ll go ahead and arrange a babysitter for Saturday – just checking you hadn’t already done it so we don’t end up with two of them”

You can avoid the argument that goes like this:

“Have you arranged a babysitter for Saturday?”

“No I have not! Why is it always ME who has to do that? They are your children too, you know!! It is 2018, not 1895. Women have JOBS and other things to do. You’re turning into your Dad!! I can’t do EVERYTHING MYSELF”

2. Wife must be sensitive to the fact that husband has been waiting all day to talk to her about something important to him (eg potential purchase of a new lawnmower / booking a holiday / going on a stag do / planning the installation of a megaflow boiler).

3. Wife must engage brain before mouth, and consider husband’s feelings.

4. Wife must remember that it is a privilege to be presented with a cost-benefit-analysis of the megaflow boiler that husband has written on the back of cereal packet – it’s nice to be involved. It’s nice to be asked for your opinion. 

So far so good with the Code of Conduct, in fact we are also holding an AGM at the kitchen table, at which we will agree and sign-off the annual budget (including realistic holiday allowance following “lessons learned exercise” from last year’s multi-trip strategy). The line between work and home is beginning to blur…..

Ellen has worked in the City for 18 years, mainly in banking, and currently for an inter-dealer broker. She has two children aged 7 and 4, with an au pair at home to help out.