Maria's blog: Pushing or letting be?

This weekend I was having a drink with two of my neighbours, both super achievers type parents; they were talking about their eldest child currently in Y6 applying for secondary schools and how in order to get into what they rated as the best ones they would push their kids to be the best at extra curricular activities like musical instruments so they can get a place as a scholarship.

I blurted out: ‘do they even enjoy doing that? I mean hours of training for something outside school? You really have to love something to do that in my opinion or they end up resenting it…and you for forcing it’. The discussion continued and I was told sometimes we need to push kids etc etc

Personally I don’t push my daughter, apart from doing her homework and encouraging her to do her best in school (please note HER best, not to be THE best).

I know a few kids that were pushed that way and the result of that pressure, perfectionism and high standards resulted in poor mental health and going off the rails.

So no thank you, I want my child to be emotionally balanced and happy and enjoy life as a priority! Academics are important but meaningless if you hate what you do and end up having anxiety attacks and a breakdown as a result in my opinion.

This made me think that as parents we often see our kids as an extension of us, which is what makes hard to let go when they grow up. But I remind myself she is not my little project, she is her own person with her own personality traits, likes and dislikes, passions, buttons to push, motivators, taste, ambitions, dreams.

In an ideal world we would all like our kids to be successful at something we, not necessarily them, deem as worthy. But ultimately what matters is that they fulfil their own dreams being able to be who they truly are and we are here merely to guide and support them on that journey. The word itself guardian describes our role, we are not owners!

I am aware I treat my daughter as older than she is perhaps because she behaves that way (losing her dad just before turning 4 and our challenging lives after his death have certainly contributed to her maturity). I respect who she is and don’t force her to eat foods she hates because if someone forced me to eat food I hate I would rebel too! If somebody forced me to finish my food before leaving the table I would also think that’s unfair and unreasonable! So I don’t do to others what I wouldn’t want to be done to me. I gently encourage her to open her mind and try different things, be open to change but especially with her strong willed personality I know being forceful would be counter productive.

So yeah treating her with the same respect I would treat an adult might bring its challenges, but it’s helping her to be comfortable with who she is (she is very confident and assertive!), expressing herself, her wants and needs and feelings but knowing she needs to respect wants, needs and feelings of others too. Trust me she doesn’t win all battles. She gets told off and I say no as often as necessary. But I do pick my battles. I don’t want to be an overly controlling parent and alienate her. In return I know she is grateful for being given choices and respect. And she knows when I mean business because I don’t use hard lines all the time.

Ultimately she is a happy child with a rife social life, not the most academic but forward thinking and, emotionally intelligent education at school and hopefully at home too! And the zero extra curricular activities at the moment (her choice mostly), well that’s because I work full time and we are very busy socially and/or want to rest at weekends which suits us both. So I am not stressing about the fact she is not in a gymnastics squad, a piano prodigy or fluent in Mandarin age 9! One day she will find her true passion and in the meantime she can enjoy life and play lots when not in school which I think is healthy.

This is my choice, my parenting style, not necessarily the right one for everyone but the right one for us.

 Maria works for a City law firm as Diversity & Inclusion Advisor. Following the sudden death of her husband four years ago, she is single parent to a young daughter.