Caroline's blog: Making lemonade

Sometimes, as a treat, I take my tots to our favourite tea shop after school on a Friday. There’s a sign on the wall that my daughter always comments on: “if life gives you lemons, make lemonade”.  With her 6 years of wisdom, on each visit she proudly repeats to me that it means that you should take what you can from everything that happens to you, whether it is good or bad.  On that basis, I’m sharing this post. The statistics suggest that regardless of profession or background, at least 1 in 6 of the mums reading this will have experienced post-natal depression, and all of you will be acquainted with someone who has gone through something similar, so my story is by no means unique.

After my daughter was born, the world was painted in bright primary colours. Two years later, when my son arrived, life was replaced, at the flick of a switch, with a palate of greys and blacks. I’d never previously had any mental health issues – generally a few glasses of wine, some chocolate, and a good old chin-wag would sort me out. All of a sudden, I was trapped in the midst of an oppressive smog that sucked life, love, and everything that was me, from my very core.

Second time round things had been tough. Following a precipitous birth, a new-born baby the size of an average 3-month-old left a path of permanent destruction. Over that first severely sleep-deprived year, invasive surgery with a difficult recovery, and several times more courses of antibiotics than I had taken in the rest of my life put together, took their toll. More time was spent in hospital waiting rooms than in the park. I was stifling behind an invisible wall that separated me from the world such that taking in my surroundings and doing simple chores were often beyond me.

My husband noticed from quite early on that something, beyond the physical, was badly wrong. I was in ignorant denial. I had tried to explain to medical professionals that something wasn’t right, but their best advice was to look after myself and try some peppermint tea. I’m generally a mind-over-matter type who can put her head down, push through and cope, so I’m sure that was the image I projected. I could also rationalise that things were bound to be tough as there had been so many medical issues. I was sure that once they were resolved then life would get back to normal. Only it didn’t.

Going back to work from maternity leave was a massive relief, and I hoped that this would mark the return to normality that I craved. Within the confines of depression, for me there was a clarity and focus that suited the workplace. However, I couldn’t maintain that state. Gradually I lost my ability to think and to function until hospitalisation became the only option for recovery. From that rock bottom, I was gradually able to rebuild my health, my relationships and my life.

Time moves on. Later this year my son turns 5, and I love him to bits. I was fortunate to have the support to recover physically and mentally, and I was then able to return, a little older and wiser, back to the workplace. The episode was a dark chapter in my life, but one that thankfully is now closed. However, for the many reading this who are currently struggling with their mental health, I know that will feel a world away. I hope that your current chapter will end soon, and that you can then use those lemons to make lemonade.

Caroline is the proud mum of a 6 year old Disney Princess and a 4 year old Superhero. She is also a senior associate in the pensions team at a magic circle law firm where she tries to balances work and family life by mixing office and home-based working for four days over five days each week.