Maria's blog: 8 going on 18

My daughter is 8 years old, but, as I am sure many other parents experience, they grow up far too fast and we are all bracing ourselves for the teenage years! At the cost of sounding like an 80 year old, I do think this is a generation of fast developers in comparison to my days! And I often joke with friends that if it was legal to micro chip kids like we do with pets, I would be there like a rat up a drainpipe!

So I often look at her, the way she moves, the way she speaks, the words she uses, the attitude, the sophisticated sense of humour….and I promise you at times it feels like I am dealing with a grown up, well the miniature version of an adult with an occasional attitude problem! She is now even too smart to bribe or threaten in a subtle way! And the sarcasm and irony, well that’s class coming from an 8 year old! And I start wondering: is it down to me? Is it the TV she watches? Technology? Music lyrics and videos? Or what life has thrown at her? Probably a mix of all of those!

The question, ‘is it down to me?’ comes from two angles. 1) I am a pretty strong willed independent woman myself so maybe it’s because I am her main role model 2) after my husband died 4 years ago I am sure we have both been significantly affected by grief in different ways but this experience has shaped her personality. She has experienced loss far too early on in life, she was told before turning 4 from one day to the next that daddy would never return and our lives as we knew them would never be exactly the same again, she has seen her mum break down in tears far too many times when it all happened, she has had to deal with what I call the bipolar parenting approach, i.e. being a single parent you are bad cop and good cop and it’s hard to differentiate and at times to come across as consistent! The 24/7 parenting without a partner or family nearby and working full time means the sheer exhaustion leads to a more lax (or what I call fluid or Mediterranean!) parenting approach, e.g. I am far too tired and stressed tonight to cook a whole plate of vegetables you will refuse to eat anyway so here are your chicken nuggets (with cucumber and cherry tomatoes too on the plate so I don’t feel like I am disappointing Jamie Oliver 100%!), or yes you can watch one more episode on the Disney Channel  whilst I sort out stuff around the house before I can start the already late bedtime routine!

There is no doubt that mini me (or mini ASBO as I often refer to jokingly when talking to friends about my strong willed child!) behaves likes an older child. Her bereavement counsellor told me she is very mature for her age so it’s not just all in my head! Which is reassuring. But thankfully I am told she is a well balanced child and yes there is an element of loss there (it appears bereaved kids can often feel a sense of entitlement to make up for their huge loss) but she is a happy well adjusted child so hooray and pat on the back to myself for not having messed her around massively in the grand scheme of things!

And when I speak to parents of kids in traditional families it appears her attitudes are actually pretty standard so what I often worry might come from loss, might in fact simply be her age and personality. So I tell myself to stop stressing and that whilst her strong willed nature can be very challenging, she will hopefully continue growing into a determined confident woman. As a diversity and inclusion specialist I talk to her a lot about the important of good values and equality and how we won’t tolerate bullying or any form of discrimination so I am pretty confident that her strong personality will not translate into negative behaviours if she goes by the example I am setting for her.

I am told that mini me is well behaved at school and good as gold when looked after occasionally by baby sitters and family so I know the pushing boundaries is reserved to me, mum, the one she can be her true self with, without any filters. She tests me regularly keeping me on my toes at all time, but she is very entertaining and a wonderful child and despite the tough times, we make a good team!

Maria works for a City law firm as Diversity & Inclusion Advisor. Following the sudden death of her husband four years ago, she is single parent to a young daughter.