Helen's blog: Musings on being a stepparent

Last week was Alternative Family Week (http://www.alternativeparenting.co.uk/alternative-family-week.html), which aims to raise awareness about the many different family structures that exist.  This has prompted me to share my own experiences of step parenting in today’s blog.

Until I met my future husband, it never once crossed my mind that I might become a stepparent.  My family was traditional in structure and very few of my childhood friends came from stepfamilies.  In contrast my stepchildren, born in the mid 1990's, say that for their generation, a mix of single, step- and same-sex parents is the norm.

Mr B and I starting seeing each other when I turned 30, a few years after his first marriage ended. His daughter, then aged 6, and son, 8, stayed with him on alternate weekends (we weren't cohabiting at that point).  Our first big decision was when to tell the children about my existence.  Anxious about how they'd react, Mr B put this off and carefully hid any evidence before their visits.  However, children are impressively resourceful.  He awoke one Saturday to see two giggling faces inches from his nose asking "are these yours Dad?" They were brandishing my nightwear and a photo of me that they'd unearthed from the back of a cupboard.

There didn’t seem any point in delaying introductions after that. It was easily the most nerve-wracking experience of my life, and poignantly, a day we all still remember clearly 13 years on. Thankfully the kids welcomed me from the outset and I was thrilled that the four of us were finally becoming a family.

In some respects, being a stepparent is no different to being a parent. I have supervised homework, shopped for school shoes, spent hours nit combing, intervened in sibling squabbles and ferried them around to endless parties and sleepovers.

With my biological clock ticking loudly, I dreamed of being a second mother to them, but it gradually dawned on me that this wasn’t realistic. They lived with their own mother and already had two devoted, hands-on parents. They didn’t need a third.   I have on occasions felt troubled about how exactly I’ve fitted in and what role I can meaningfully play, even after officially becoming their stepmother.

There have been times, particularly after differences in opinion on sensitive subjects, when I’ve felt an invisible boundary line being drawn around the two children and their biological parents, with me on the other side.  And I’ve been reminded of my ‘not quite a parent’ status in other ways: for example, every year I helped the children sort out Father’s Day and Mother’s Day cards and gifts, yet never received anything myself on Mother’s Day.   I am curious to know if other stepparents feel that they sometimes fall into ‘gaps’ like this.

However, with the benefit of a few more years of experience and a recent conversation with my stepchildren, I think I’m finally figuring it out.  In practical terms, I’m essentially the ‘back-up’ parent who is called upon to help out when their biological parents are unavailable (e.g. in meetings and unable to transfer emergency funds) or unenthusiastic (e.g. mending a much-loved item of clothing).  This might sound a little ‘second-rate’ to some. But there’s more to it.

My ‘not quite a parent’ status gives me the freedom to be an ‘adult friend’ and mentor to my stepchildren.  We have had enormous fun together over the years, from zip-wiring off a 100ft Cornish cliff top to playing table tennis in public whilst I was 42 weeks pregnant (satisfyingly, I won by a mile).   I’m proud to be privy to certain confidences that they don’t always tell their parents (no mention here of dubious body piercings, brushes with the law or romantic entanglements).

And I get a huge amount back in return.  Whilst we have our ups and downs like any other family, overall my stepchildren accept my quirks and peculiarities with good humour and are unfailingly supportive of me.  I might not get cards on Mothers’ Day, but being on the receiving end of their affectionate banter when they are home tells me I am loved as a stepmother. In writing this, I’m well aware that not every stepparent’s experience is as positive as mine.

Being a stepmother may not have been part of my original life plan, but now, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Helen Beedham is Head of Corporate Affairs at WorkLife Central and a member of the Citymothers and Cityfathers Network Committee. She previously worked in management consulting in London for 15 years.  She is married with two step-children aged 20 and 22 and a daughter aged 5 and lives in rural Kent.