James's blog: Consistency

As I’m sure is the case with many professional couples working in the City, it is quite rare for our little family to spend much time with all three of us together.  My wife doesn’t work on Mondays and Tuesdays in order to look after our daughter, and I have Fridays off to play.  At the weekend we both need to catch up on sleep, do some exercise, and attend to the household chores that have been neglected during the week.  Often we feel like we’re tag-teaming looking after our daughter and as though we don’t ever get chance to stop and talk about how we’re functioning as a family.  Again, I imagine that this is something most, if not all, WorkLife Central can relate to.

One consequence of this is that neither of us really knows what approach the other is taking to parenting; what our daughter’s current interests are, or what the other is trying to teach her.

What has become apparent recently, though, is that we are clearly not being consistent.  This was revealed when my daughter decided to suggest to my wife that she be allowed to have breakfast in the lounge in front of the television because “Daddy let me do it yesterday”.  When my wife confronted me about this it seemed like a big deal to her.  She stressed to me the importance of rules, routine and consistency (I didn’t have the courage to suggest that she could have achieved consistency by allowing our daughter to eat in front of the telly!).

This got me thinking about my approach to looking after my daughter.  My general approach is to let her do what she wants as long as she’s not putting herself or others in harm (or doing something which offends against certain societal norms - choosing to wander around with no clothes on her bottom half being a current favourite).  This is particularly the case if to otherwise stop her from doing what she is doing would likely result in a meltdown.  So if, for example, I can persuade her to clean her teeth in her bedroom, I won’t force her to go to the bathroom to do so.  And if she is resisting eating at the kitchen table but will happily gorge on food in front of the television, then that’s fine too.

But this approach is very much focussed on the here and now.  I’m looking to make my life easier now by avoiding the risk of tantrums.  The focus on the present is a trait I witness in my daughter each day.  It is why there is a risk of tantrums in the first place – at any moment in time, what she is doing is the most important thing in the world to her.  So I’m taking on board my wife’s comments and trying to add a bit more structure and routine to my Fridays with my daughter because of the benefits I know it will bring in the future.  In other words, as my daughter is growing up, I’m gradually growing up too.

James is in his early 30s and father to a beautiful two year old girl.  He now works four days a week at a City law firm, spending the fifth day of the week colouring, playing dolls with, and looking after, his daughter.