Dolly's blog: In the Zone.

New year.  New job.  Longer hours and less money but paradoxically I absolutely love it.

Meanwhile I've been mulling over the idea of the default parent, introduced to me by a frazzled army wife who was fed up that the childcare buck always somehow stopped with her.

If we're honest it's often self-inflicted; I put my hands up to falling into the "it's easier if I just do it myself" trap on a regular basis.  But egging on that behaviour are a whole load of societal norms which doggedly reinforce the mother as default parent model.  Some examples:

1. Education.  Moving house frequently (not because we're on the run I should clarify) we deal with lots of different schools.   We religiously give contact details for both of us, and reiterate that request periodically.  Yet my husband receives hardly any communication on any subject whatsoever.  If one of the kids is unwell I guarantee they'll call me even though I work hours away and my husband is down the road. A call to chase the whereabouts of yet another consent form?  My responsibility apparently.    London schools are a bit better in fairness, but still.

2. Health.  A check up call from the GP surgery about vaccinations? Me.  It's as if the father is perceived as too busy/important/disinterested.

3. Social.  Arrangement of play dates, sleepovers etc etc?   Text message sent by (working) mother to (working) mother.   Thinking about - and buying - a present and wrapping paper for the latest birthday party?  Ok that one' s more self-imposed than societal but me again.  It's simply not on Mr D's radar - and if no one's bothering him with the other stuff that's not altogether surprising.

Of course I could and sometimes do forward the school emails to Mr D or ask him to buy yet more Lego presents from Tesco. But that reinforces the idea that I'm somehow delegating a responsibility which in the first instance was mine.  

In short I am seriously in the default parent zone.    And if you hear yourself saying "my other half helps a lot" then maybe you are too...

Linked to this is the casual sexism against men which reinforces these stereotypes and the responsibility that comes with them. I loved Men Behaving Badly 20 years ago but I am now well and truly over the man child joke.  Think of all those tv programmes and ads where an idiotic man bumbles through childcare or is given a cleaning product so simple that even he can use it.  If women were patronised like that there'd be well-deserved uproar.   In one memorable episode you discover that Daddy Pig has an amazing job and is actually really clever, but the rest of the time he's a hapless buffoon, a man child in a pig costume.  I love Daddy Pig and I do have a sense of humour,  but we shouldn't underestimate the cumulative impact of all this subliminal messaging.

Multitasking is another bug bear.  Putting aside the misplaced assumption that it's always a good thing, how on earth have we allowed ourselves to say all men are rubbish at it? That's plain old sexism and no better than saying all women are bad drivers. Judge each book, not its cover.   And don't tell anyone but in my spare time I am The Stig.

In short it's no good encouraging women to push ahead in the workplace whilst simultaneously reinforcing the idea that men are too incapable or disinterested to take the lead at home.  It's archaic nonsense so enough already.

But in the meantime I'm just really loving my new job.

After 19 years of fee earning, Dolly now works in a management role in a London law firm.  Working four days a week she has three children aged 5 to 9, a wonderful (though often absent) husband and a charismatic dog who keeps her sane.