Tom's blog: Do Dads have to choose too?

The other day I bumped into an old acquaintance whom I worked for on secondment to a client many years ago. We were chatting about our kids (mine still tiny and his all grown up) and I said how frustrating it is that the period of our lives when we most want to spend time with our kids coincides with the period when we need to focus hard on developing our careers and getting ahead.

He looked at me and said "When I was your age I just decided that I was going to put my family first and I trusted that my career would all slot into place nicely and I have to tell you...". At this point  I assumed he was going to make some uplifting remarks about having no regrets to inspire me. But no. He went on to say "it didn't work at all. You can't have it both ways".

I carried on smiling of course, but I came away feeling utterly depressed by the conversation. Sometimes you can just dismiss comments you don't really want to hear, if they come from someone whose opinion you can happily ignore, but here was a guy whom I greatly respect, both professionally (he is very well known and highly regarded in my area) and personally (his affection for and commitment to his children was always an inspiration) telling me that I had to choose between pursuing my career fully and being the Dad I really want to be.

Mothers reading this will no doubt be screaming at their iPhones that this is not news and is a battle that women have been fighting for years, which is no doubt true. But it is worth remembering the example of my old acquaintance, which shows that there have always been Dads out there who have consciously chosen to put their families first and who feel that their careers have suffered as a result.

Everything is relative of course. My acquaintance's career at the bar may have never taken off in the way that he wanted, and perhaps it took him longer than he expected to get where he is now. But where he is now is fairly impressive: He's global lead lawyer in his practice area for one of the best known companies in the world and manages to work at home pretty much all of the time.

Do we all have to make a choice? Is it really that binary? I hope not. I'm going to carry on muddling through as best I can. If I carry on being the Dad that I am now and still manage to achieve even a fraction of my acquaintance's success then I'll be happy.

Tom is a senior associate in a magic circle law firm. He is married with three children, and works fulltime with one day per week spent working at home.