Dolly's blog: Who am I?

When I turned 40 my boss (who should be knighted for various things including his absolute commitment to the feminist cause) gave me two presents to reflect what he saw with some amusement as two slightly contradictory sides of my personality - a rather nice thing to store washing pegs and a very good dance music cd.

I was reminded of that split personality idea recently as I walked to the station one sunny evening, having just left one of those swanky client parties at an exclusive venue where the champagne and engaging conversation flowed freely. I very much regard such events as a perk of not having ditched my job to do the full-time mum thing, and as I walked over Waterloo bridge I was on a massive high. Then my husband called to say our daughter (by then asleep) had finally been given her pen license. On one level it was obviously a small thing but not for her and at the time it felt emblematic. The moment had finally come and I'd missed it. I was gutted and not for the first time found myself questioning my priorities.

Every summer (heavily influenced by flicking through too many White Company catalogues) I dream of a non-working life in which I waft around a sun-bleached and exceedingly stylish house on Ile de Re, rustling up a wholesome lunch whilst my beautiful children do something equally wholesome that doesn't involve an iPad or watching TV. Same thing at Christmas. In this imaginary stay-at-home life I have also miraculously discovered a passion for jogging and glow with health as I amble to another yoga session.

The reality of stay-at-home life is of course utterly different and I'm not at all sure I'm cut out for it. Being brutally honest the chat at the school gates sometimes makes me want to chew my arm off. Parents' Association? Rather not. The mothers' race at sports day? Kill me now.

So what's the problem? Mainly that rationally or otherwise I sometimes feel I have a choice between these two lives and that, at some point, I will have to exercise it. My (very lovely) mother-in-law certainly used to think so; having identified me as A Career Girl who would not therefore have children, there was undisguised shock when we announced we were expecting our first. My own mother wasn't so surprised but quietly views the split personality life I now lead as ultimately impossible. And whilst well-intentioned, the "I don't know how you do it" comments I'm sure we all get, sometimes make me question why precisely I am doing it. Implicit in the intended compliment is that there is ultimately a choice.

I do find the transition from one world to the other is often creaky. I soften when I'm on maternity leave and at the end of a working day and long commute I sometimes feel so broken that I can scarcely bring myself to get out the car. That's not good. Some days it feels I've lived 3 people's lives in one and I virtually crawl to bed like a desert island castaway dragging herself towards water. Must... keep... going....!

But mostly I quite like it, in the same way I liked being the hardworking school geek who never, ever stayed in on a Friday night or knowingly turned down a chance to go clubbing. Variety as they say is the spice of life. And I don't think I will ever lose the buzz of walking over Waterloo bridge as the sun goes down, soaking up that London electricity and rejuvenated by a sense that anything is possible.

Dolly is an employment lawyer and partner in a London firm.  Currently working four days a week, theoretically between the hours of 9 and 5 in the manner of Dolly Parton (but with less impressive hair and reduced scope for rhinestone).  Full time wife, mother of three lovely children aged three to seven and devoted dog owner.