Tom's blog: Daily reminders

Over Easter I was speaking to an elderly friend at church (let's call her Rose), who lives a long way from her two adult sons. We were chatting about my kids (for whom Rose is something of a surrogate grandmother) when she told me she thought she had failed her own children. It wasn't a light hearted comment or a throw away remark. The words were spoken with a sense of regret that settled in her heart a long time ago and which has taken root during many years of loneliness.

Of course, Rose didn't fail her children. She is a remarkably determined woman with a deep Christian faith and a profound sense of right and wrong. I'm sure she showered her children with love and affection. So why was she so sure that she had failed them? Rose was orphaned as a baby so never knew her parents and as a result she held her own children just a little bit tighter and just a little bit longer than she otherwise might. But she also spoiled them rotten and went easy on the discipline. Now, looking back from the distance of old age, she's convinced that she failed to prepare them properly for the responsibilities of adulthood and she blames herself for all of their misdemeanours (which, at least as far as I know, are relatively minor in the great scheme of things).

I was slightly stunned by Rose's comment and didn't know what to say. But then nothing I could have said would have dislodged a conviction that goes so deep. Inevitably it cast my mind to the future and made me imagine myself looking back (God willing) many years from now. Will I remember the decisions my wife and I make today and be absolutely confident we got them right? Of course I won't. I'll wonder whether I put my career above my family and I'll wonder whether I covered that up by convincing myself that the home and lifestyle I was able to provide were adequate compensation for me not being at home as much as I wanted to be. So for now I'm going to remind myself every day:

1. To tell my children that I love them and that I work hard because I want their futures to be happy, safe and secure;
2. That throwing money at a problem is not always the answer and just being there very often is; and
3. That I'm never going to let my parents get so lonely in their old age that they allow niggling doubts about the past to fester like they have in Rose.

So what conclusions will I come to about all of this many years from now? Who knows. Keep reading my blog for the next 40 years and I'll let you know some day.

Tom is a senior associate in a magic circle law firm. He is married with three children, and works fulltime with one day per week spent working at home.